Musings about life and my journey

From the Other Side

on May 5, 2013

It has made me sad lately to see the frustration of some people I have come to see as friends as they try to implement power exchange into their relationships.  These are couples who have been together a long time and one or the other has decided that they need this sort of dynamic in some way.  For the most part, I see that their partners are willing to go along for the ride, but these couples are finding themselves deep in something that a) is unfamiliar territory, i.e. their experience/understanding of BDSM is based on erotic novels and films and b)goes against everything their relationship was originally based on.

Coming from the other direction – in which my relationship is quite new and with its foundations in M/s, I have no advice or words to offer them.  I don’t know how to integrate this dynamic into an existing relationship.  I do know that sometimes I read their posts and am envious of the history they have with each other.  I wish that Master and I had found each other earlier and had all of these memories and stories and even children together.

Alas, that’s now how it worked out.  But here I am, and I’m happier and more content, more comfortable, more sure of myself and my relationship than I have ever been. 

Master suggested that it may be that, although others cannot/did not/have not seen it, I needed this deeply.  Few, if any, understand the depth with which I needed this.  Even I didn’t know how deeply I needed it, or how deep I needed to go into it.  I am in deep.  I’m a fucking slave!  I’ve turned over the final word in ALL decisions to someone else.  ALL decisions.  I cannot orgasm without his permission.  I have a hard time allowing myself to go to the bathroom when he is not around to grant permission.  I do not make a purchase without his permission.  I do nothing that does not have his explicit or tacit consent (tacit, as in we have talked explicitly about how much decision making power I have in certain circumstances).

I’ve found it so easy that it is befuddling.

It’s because  I *did* need this.  I needed this dynamic to complete me.  Also, I have always, in retrospect, been a slave without a master.  My kids grew up thinking that I was the boss in the house because I did everything.  They knew that I was the one to go to if they needed something to get done.  I was driven by a need to serve, but the lack of direction from the one I was serving (the ex) caused frustration and resentment.  Had he said, “Do this,” I would have, happily.  Instead, he said he was going to do things, and then didn’t follow through, forcing me to pick up the pieces. 

As my relationship with Master goes on, I’m sure we’ll bicker on occasion.  However, unlike my married friends who are working to implement a power exchange into their existing relationship and find themselves fighting about it, the arguments that Master and I have will be about vanilla things, I’m sure.  Even those occasions, though, will be few because he IS in charge.  He HAS the final word.  Not just in the bedroom but in everything.  I knew that going into this.  I have no right to argue with his decision, given that that is what I signed up for, what I need.  The fact that we VERY openly and honestly and FULLY discussed and agreed upon the basic format of the relationship beforehand is what makes it so easy.

This is how couples existed throughout history – until very recently, in fact.  Some have made “1950s Household” a kink, when for every generation before mine, this was just how life was. 

It does not make me a second class citizen.  It does not mean that I have no power in the relationship, or that I have no say. He wants to know what will make me happy, what I want, what I need.  My role in this relationship is crucial.  He provides the structure, the framework; it’s my job to give it shape and detail.  I cannot be content with who I am without him, nor can he be content with who he is without me.

I want to be able to give advice to my friends because I know how beautiful and satisfying a relationship based on power exchange can be, but I can’t.  I can only remind them of the importance of communication, of clear purpose, of shared ideals.  I can only show them that giving up control – really giving up control – does not mean giving up oneself or minimalizing one’s importance. I can demonstrate that there is no *right* way, only the way that works for them.  And, I can express my own envy for what they have – their history, their memories, their stories,– for while they wait and work toward what I have, I wait and work toward what they have.

And both have an important place in a loving and successful relationship.


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Actually Ashley

Just another sarcastic ashhole.

You Can't Google a G Spot

To Keep it Real, Keep it Silly

The Pointy End

May the bridges I burn light the way


This blog contains themes of an adult nature. It is intended for audiences 18 or older. This blog is NOT SAFE FOR WORK. If you are offended by nudity, explicit sexual material, or images of BDSM then this is not the blog for you. Have a great day!!

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